“In crisis lies opportunity.”

We are mortal. Imperfect and limited in our humanity. Our inadequacies collide in ways that disappoint, that hurt and sometimes betray one another.

From my perspective, people get hurt by one another when we imagine that another human could be outside of our tribe. As ‘other’. Beyond our pale. Outside our ecosystem. Thinking of yourself as an individual, separate and alone– breeds loneliness. 

The notion that we are separate, or better or worse than one another: It’s a hoax.

“Essential worth comes from the inside. The world of US, of interdependence, rests on a foundation of collaboration. Collaboration with nature, with one another, with the inspiration that sometimes passes through us. The world of US is a realm of innovation and abundance. The world of win-win. But individualism rests on a foundation of competition. Competition with nature, with one another. It bestows a lordly sense that you are your own source of inspiration. It’s the world of win-lose.” (Terry Real)

Curiosity is our fix to sticky relational situations. Try on: I’ll bring you closer so I can understand you. 

It’s much easier to run from conflict, than to stand and face it. To move in, lean toward. This takes courage and perseverance. 

Esther Perel tells us, staying in the relationship when you could leave, is the new shame. As if you’d be lowering yourself to stay put. But this perspective misses the fact that good can come out of chaos, as Mukara Meredith calls conflict.

It’s how relationships advance in their organization and design. Just like any living system. Systems Theory tells us that in crisis lies opportunity for transformation.

The Strange Attractor below is a mathematical representation of chaos. The center of this “three winged bird” represents order. If a living system stays at the center, at equilibrium, it is a dead system. The lines in the Strange Attractor show us the repeating pattern. No matter how far off center a system may go, its natural course of action is to return toward center. Always.

This ties back to Terry Real’s framework of the essential rhythm of all close relationships. We continuously move through harmony, disharmony, and repair. 

Next time you’re in conflict, you have a choice: 

• Relational Failure, or, 

• An opportunity for depth and new order

I know which one I choose.

Partnerships are Living Systems

While studying leadership at the Buddhist, Naropa University, it became clear to me that human relationships operate under the same principles as living systems. Like the Earth, or our bodies, for example.

In the MatrixWorks Leadership framework: Diverse parts make up coherent wholes at every level of scale. All of which are in dynamic relationships that continually self-organize and self-create. To Serve Life. The more we are aware of this, the more brilliant our lives, relationships and and the world around us will be.

It’s in our Enlightened Self Interest, as Terry Real, founder of Relational Life Therapy, teaches, to want our partners to be happy. Our relationship is our biosphere, he says. ‘If I pollute the air in one area, I’ll be breathing it in in another.’

What changes when we learn to see our relationships as alive — as entities unto themselves? I believe this framework can start to transform our narrative and make permanent changes to how we show up relationally.

Curious what it could do for you? Set up a consultation with me.

On Couples Coaching

We all know that relationship with our significant other has the potential to be both the most rewarding and also the most messy. It’s this very dichotomy that has sparked my passion for love. It’s within intimate relationships where I have personally experienced the most growth and aliveness. And it’s where I have best gotten to know myself.

Sadly, most of us were not taught effective relationship skills in school— but I feel we should have been. We are each deserving of truly great partnership. Oddly, the skill set to achieve that is not always the most intuitive. This is where it can be helpful to have a coach.

I support couples in developing and maintaining satisfying and successful relationships because I believe intimate partnerships are the key to our wellbeing.  In my experience, romantic partnerships can help us grow into better versions of ourselves-- but only if we’re willing to lean-in with curiosity when things get tough.

As a couples coach, I will work with you to re-pattern how you navigate conflict. My wish for you is that you can get excited when a challenge arises, because you know that something better is on the other side. And that you trust your partnership is strong enough to get through to it.

As a coach, I always begin with appreciative inquiry-- I listen for what already works well between you so that we can focus on growing more of the same. Inviting your appreciation for one another also sets the stage for our work together, as it reminds us of your care and commitment to the relationship, and maybe even invokes the romantic magic between you.

As a coach, you can count on me to take risks with you and to share my honest perspective. I invite you to do the same. This means that I might nudge you to share something vulnerable. It also means that I welcome you to tell me if I am ever off-base, because I trust that you are the expert on you. 

I have great respect for all couples who choose to welcome me into their relationship, and I recognize the courage it takes to do so. I am certified as a Relational Life Therapist and I have been teaching relationship skills since about 2010. 

I would be honored to support your partnership. Reach out to me if you’d like to set up a complimentary call.

On Marriage

I believe strongly that any two people who care about one another, are deeply passionate about their love and who want to make a commitment to stay together for the long-haul should absolutely have the right to marry. I’m talking people from any background, race, creed, color, gender, sex, ethnicity, nationality-- you name it-- I'm not picky. 

I will happily marry any two people who wish to make a commitment to one another. In fact, one of my favorite things to do is design a ceremony that represents the uniqueness of each partner and the couple as a unit, for isn’t your wedding a great time to do this!? Click here to learn about my work designing and performing personal and unique wedding ceremonies.

That said, my hope is to marry couples who have great reverence for the depth of the commitment they are making. Getting married is a really big decision! Marriage is both wonderfully magical, and (let’s not fool ourselves) it’s potentially the toughest thing we do as human beings. Partnership is complex; yet it has the potential to be the most rewarding relationship of all human experience.  

We all should have been taught relationship skills in school; I feel fortunate to have been gifted such education. So, I am committed to passing it on. I teach tools to successfully navigate long term partnerships. Click here to learn about premarital coaching options.

On Conflict

Marriage is bound to have conflict, and though it may be cliche (or even hard to believe) conflict is a good thing! It is healthy, normal— even necessary. When we recognize conflict as an opportunity to discover new things about one another, we are able to end up on the other side of it with deeper satisfaction and excitement for the relationship. My teacher, Mukara Meredith, in her MatrixWorks Leadership model, emphasizes the importance of facing our relational “chaos— to lean in when it gets challenging, weather the storm, trusting that deeper collective consciousness is on the other side.

But I've seen many couples lean away from conflict. They don't move toward each other when things get tough, they move away, which leads to further and further emotional separation. On the flip side, other couples are too fiery and reactive to be effective in conflict.

I help partners learn to summon their respective Wise Adult selves. To lean-in with kindness and generosity when times are tough and to acknowledge differences between them as gifts to their relationship. Working with me, couples have claimed they get excited when differences arise because it means they are about to learn something new about their partner and get to a deeper place of understanding together. Personally, it’s one of the ways I find satisfaction in my own partnership over the course of time. It’s one of the tools I use to fall more deeply in love with my husband. There is always more to discover, and I find that thrilling.

Are you a couple that is comfortable navigating conflict? Do you yearn to be? I can help you get there.

Click here to learn about couples therapy and coaching options.