We are mortal. Imperfect and limited in our humanity. Our inadequacies collide in ways that disappoint, that hurt and sometimes betray one another.
From my perspective, people get hurt by one another when we imagine that another human could be outside of our tribe. As ‘other’. Beyond our pale. Outside our ecosystem. Thinking of yourself as an individual, separate and alone– breeds loneliness.
The notion that we are separate, or better or worse than one another: It’s a hoax.
“Essential worth comes from the inside. The world of US, of interdependence, rests on a foundation of collaboration. Collaboration with nature, with one another, with the inspiration that sometimes passes through us. The world of US is a realm of innovation and abundance. The world of win-win. But individualism rests on a foundation of competition. Competition with nature, with one another. It bestows a lordly sense that you are your own source of inspiration. It’s the world of win-lose.” (Terry Real)
Curiosity is our fix to sticky relational situations. Try on: I’ll bring you closer so I can understand you.
It’s much easier to run from conflict, than to stand and face it. To move in, lean toward. This takes courage and perseverance.
Esther Perel tells us, staying in the relationship when you could leave, is the new shame. As if you’d be lowering yourself to stay put. But this perspective misses the fact that good can come out of chaos, as Mukara Meredith calls conflict.
It’s how relationships advance in their organization and design. Just like any living system. Systems Theory tells us that in crisis lies opportunity for transformation.
The Strange Attractor below is a mathematical representation of chaos. The center of this “three winged bird” represents order. If a living system stays at the center, at equilibrium, it is a dead system. The lines in the Strange Attractor show us the repeating pattern. No matter how far off center a system may go, its natural course of action is to return toward center. Always.
This ties back to Terry Real’s framework of the essential rhythm of all close relationships. We continuously move through harmony, disharmony, and repair.
Next time you’re in conflict, you have a choice:
Relational Failure, or,
An opportunity for depth and new order
I know which one I choose.